You know how people say that a panic attack can feel like a heart attack? Well, unfortunately I can now say that they are not exaggerating. I’ve been really struggling for the last week or so; it’s a big mess of severe phd-related anxiety and some rather awful news from back home.
I thought I had everything under control but then, I woke up on Tuesday and felt it was simply impossible to leave the house. Just the thought of catching the train, of sitting at my desk and doing work, of talking to other people, was terrifying. I spent the day watching Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. The following couple of days weren’t any different, they were dominated by this awful anxiety that was crippling.
Then on Friday, on the way to get some lunch with The Boy I started having a very odd sensation in my chest, like I couldn’t take a deep breath but instead my lungs were slowly deflating like a leaking balloon. It was really, really scary and it took some time to pass.
I’m feeling significantly better now and, even though it’s only been a few days, just writing the precious sentences was very strange, like it wasn’t me who had those feelings. I’m still stressed, especially because last week’s zero productivity made things really pile up, but I think I’m coping much better. I’m even writing this post at a local coffee shop; this required showering, getting dressed, leaving the house, and interacting with other people. How’s that for an accomplishment?
I’m sorry this post is such a downer but I didn’t want to pretend like all was well. I’m hoping I’ll be back with lighter, happier things in my mind soon.