What do you want?

That’s the question that totally freaked me out a few days ago. It seems like such a simple question, but is it really? I mean, I have no idea what I want?

One thing that was always there when I was growing up was that “anywhere but here” feeling. But where is that anywhere? When the time comes to define that, I’m going to have serious trouble! And if I manage to pinpoint a “there”, what am I going to be doing there? When asked the “what do you want to be when you grown up” question, I never gave the same answer twice. Over the years I wanted to be a maid (Seriously. When I was 4. But I wanted to get a college degree for it. My cousin G, the one I grew up with, wanted to get a degree as a shepherd.), an astronaut, Lara Croft, a dancer, an architect, a doctor, a journalist, an anthropologist, a computer animator, a scientist, a lawyer… Sure, as I grew older I managed to narrow it down to physics, but I still don’t know exactly what I want, do I want to do research, do I want to teach… so many choices… I’m so jealous of the lovely E, who has been saying she wants to be a doctor since she was 3 and now, at 25, she is doing her residency! I would love it if I could set a goal and work towards it instead of this Brown motion I’m doing…

My pro/con lists sure help me view things clearly and make decisions easier. (I used to be a bit embarrassed by all the pro/con lists I do, but then I met Gilmore girls and I thought that since they put list-making in a series I can’t possibly be the only person in the world doing this…) But shouldn’t I be able to figure out what I want without weighing pros and cons like it’s some sort of mathematical equation? (Which reminds me, I wanted to be a mathematician when I was 18, but university math kicked that dream right out of me…) Okay I think I’ll stop here because my mind is so scattered today the random thoughts in parentheses are more than the actual text…

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